Show Me The Meaning
by Drea Jackman
Summary: With Max gone, Logan is forced to try and find the meaning in his loneliness.


Title: Show Me The Meaning  
  
Written By: Drea Jackman  
  
Email: DreaJackman@Literati.co.uk  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Summary: With Max gone, Logan is forced to try and find the meaning in his loneliness.  
  
Disclaimer: I own none of the characters involved (much as I wanna have Logan all to myself).   
All Dark Angel characters belong to Cameron/Eglee Productions and Fox...the lucky *ahem*!  
  
Archive: Sure, just email me to lemme know where first. Thanks!  
  
Feedback: Hell yeah! It's another of the small pleasures of writing.  
  
Author's Note: A little song fic cause I couldn't get the M/L thing out of my head everytime  
I heard the song. The song itself (lyrics found between the ~*~ prompts) is  
'Show Me The Meaning Of Being Lonely' by the Backstreet Boys.  
___________________________________________________________  
  
~*~  
Show Me The Meaning Of Being Lonely  
~*~  
  
Logan pulled his glasses off and rubbed his eyes. He'd been sitting at his computer for, actually  
he had no idea, but the low growl his stomach gave in answer told him that he'd missed dinner.   
Slipping his glasses back on slowly he jumped as a strong grip closed on his shoulder.  
  
"I'll be back tomorrow," Bling's voice told him. "You'll be okay? Need anything?"  
  
Pushing back his chair Logan stood up and turned to face his friend, shaking his head.  
  
"No, I'm good," he replied. "Thanks."  
  
"Alright, I'll see you tomorrow then."  
  
"Yeah, tomorrow," Logan answered.  
  
As Bling quietly left the apartment Logan barely heard the door close before the great peal of  
thunder pierced the sky. Sighing deeply Logan made his way over to the large windows that  
spanned the far walls of his penthouse apartment slowly after turning off his computer. There he  
settled to watch the storm. The only other sound he really made out was that of the exosuit  
whirring as he took each and every step.  
  
~*~  
So many words for the broken heart  
It's hard to see in a crimson love  
So hard to breathe  
Walk with me and maybe  
~*~  
  
The rain had already begun to pour heavily. It struck the window hard as the torrent of wind  
pushed it on. The strong winds forced the water to run in fast and fluent patterns over the outer  
surface of the great glass panes. Logan leaned on the ledge before him briefly before he grew  
fidgety. He always felt that way when he had some time to himself, almost as if he was afraid to  
face his own thoughts. It had been a few months since Max's death and gradually over that time  
Logan had spent more and more time thinking about her. She was never far from his thoughts,  
but he tried so hard, at least during the day, to push them away.  
  
Lightening blazed across the sky and Logan thought over his life again. It felt like everything  
had always guided him towards becoming Eyes Only, and that in turn Eyes Only had brought him  
a reason to keep his own little thief in his life. His own transgenic guardian angel there to light  
up his life when it was uncomfortably dark or to swoop down and pick him up when life had  
beaten him down and made him stumble and fall.  
  
~*~  
Nights of light so soon become  
Wild and free I could feel the sun  
Your every wish will be done  
They tell me...  
~*~  
  
Logan almost felt himself smile as the warmth of her memory swept through his body. Every  
single smart ass comment she made at his disgruntled admission to having had his ass kicked at  
chess yet again. Every meal he had prepared for her and shared with her. The wine he'd  
watched with envy as it crossed her lips and flowed around her mouth as she drank. The scowl  
and pout she'd make when they'd reached one of their many impasses thanks to rivaling  
stubborn streaks.  
  
He found himself wondering yet again, that maybe if he wished hard enough, really wished, then  
maybe some higher power would bring her back to him. After all, heaven was the good place.   
The place where wishes were granted and dreams came true.  
  
~*~  
Show me the meaning of being lonely  
Is this the feeling I need to walk with  
Tell me why I can't be there where you are  
There's something missing in my heart  
~*~  
  
Was there some purpose to it all? It had never been something Logan usually focused on. Like  
he'd told Max the day she finally dropped by his apartment a few months after his accident, he  
was never one to try and figure out why bad things happen. But that was all different now. Her  
death had easily made a liar of him. It seemed like all he did nowadays was wonder.  
  
What was it that he had done? What great travesty had he committed to have had her taken  
from him? Was there indeed a grand plan or was it all for nothing? Logan hated the questions,  
each and every one, because he could never answer them. They were only there to torture his  
nights and prevent him from sleep.  
  
The days however, were much different. Eyes Only continued but where a once watchful and  
just guardian had protected Seattle, there was now the emotionless gaze of eyes still reddened  
from tears. His work was all he had now and for the sake of normality more than anything else,  
Logan had maintained the Informant Net. The passion with which he had once led the fight had  
since been replaced by a much colder emptiness. A deep, dark void that only Max could fill.  
  
~*~  
Life goes on as it never ends  
Eyes of stone observe the trends  
They never say forever gaze  
If only...  
~*~  
  
If only he'd confessed how he really felt to Max. Told her how she'd become the light of his life  
and how, when he'd contemplated suicide it was her sudden warmth and displayed fear of losing  
him that prevented him picking up the gun a second time. It was his fault that she'd died never  
knowing the truth.  
  
How easy it would be to end the loneliness right now. To just cross the room on his useless legs  
and load up the cold metal alloy again. This time he knew there'd very likely be nothing to stop  
him. What really would stand in his way? In a single act he could end the unbearable pain and  
go to her. Take refuge from a world that had grown so cold so fast in her arms.  
  
~*~  
Guilty roads to an endless love  
There's no control  
Are you with me now  
Your every wish will be done  
They tell me...  
~*~  
  
Another peal of thunder echoed in his ears and this time Logan jumped. Drawing air into his  
lungs deeply he sniffed and realized that his eyes were stinging. Raising a hand up to his face  
he felt the hot tears that trespassed there. It was a scenario he knew only too well and after the  
first few months he'd wondered if he'd ever be cried out. Taking one last look out over the city  
Logan turned away from the window and walked slowly back into the apartment.  
  
~*~  
Show me the meaning of being lonely  
Is this the feeling I need to walk with  
Tell me why I can't be there where you are  
There's something missing in my heart  
~*~  
  
The darkness shattered, banished as the bathroom light burst into life at Logan's touch. His  
reflection, hazy at first, began to clear as he frowned and screwed up his eyes attempting to  
bring his world into focus. As his vision slowly cleared his eyes took in the disheveled man  
standing before him in the mirror.  
  
His hair had grown out a little round the top yet it was still that bit shorter around the sides. It no  
longer stood in it's usually casual array of spikes, but now fell into irregular layers coming about  
his forehead, some not that far off the wire rim of his glasses. His face was pale and he looked a  
little thinner than he used to. Finally Logan realized why Bling had asked time and time again if  
he was okay. He looked awful.  
  
Reaching down he turned on the cool flow of water and removed his glasses, setting them aside  
on the unit surface. Plunging his hands beneath the cold downpour he let the liquid pool there  
before bringing it up to wash it over his face. Turning off the water he grabbed a nearby towel  
and his glasses and stalked off toward his room.  
  
Once inside he got ready for bed, unbuttoning his shirt and tossing it somewhere at the foot of  
the bed. His jeans followed leaving him clad only in his boxers and an undershirt. The suit, of  
course, was still in place as he moved to the window to check on the storm. It had quieted down  
now, he could see the dim flashes far in the distance and the peals of thunder were much less  
violent.  
  
In the stillness that followed Logan raised one arm up and laid it alongside the window frame,  
leaning his forehead against the back of his hand. He was forced once again to wish for his  
heart's greatest desire. To wonder what reason God could have had for taking Max away and  
what possible meaning there was in this emptiness and loneliness he had to carry with him in his  
life now. How could he accurately understand, or even hope to comprehend these feelings when  
even God Himself showed him no way of dealing with them. He was shown no clear way to learn  
acceptance. Logan supposed it was all up to faith.  
  
~*~  
There's nowhere to run  
I have no place to go  
Surrender my heart, body and soul  
How can it be your asking me to feel the things you never show  
~*~  
  
Finally Logan yawned, unable to contain his exhaustion any longer. Backing away from the  
window slowly Logan slumped down onto the edge of the bed. Deactivating the exosuit he  
unfastened it's many securing points and took it off, sliding his legs free. Pulling himself over he  
yanked back the covers and got into bed, taking precious few moments to tuck his legs in snugly  
under the covers. Leaning back against the head board he whispered to himself quietly.  
  
"G'night Max. I love you."  
  
~*~  
You are missing in my heart  
Tell me why I can't be there where you are  
~*~  
  
Slipping his glasses off and folding them closed, he gently laid them on the bedstand on his right  
side and eased himself down in the bed. As soon as he was comfortable he reached a strong  
arm out and his fingers looped the cord on the light, pulling it slowly. The light vanished all at  
once, plunging the room into darkness once again.  
  
Eventually a very weary Logan drifted off to sleep earning some much needed rest. Tomorrow  
his battle, his struggle would begin again and most likely end in the same way as the previous  
nights. But with every day gone by Logan grew that little bit stronger as he carried his grief with  
him. Little by little he may not have found any reason or meaning in his loneliness, but the void  
would not claim him.  
  
~*~  
Show me the meaning of being lonely  
Is this the feeling I need to walk with  
Tell me why I can't be there where you are  
Where you are  
There's something missing in my...heart  
~*~  
  
  



End file.
